slowlyunfolding

I managed one good night's sleep this past week. Not so much last night. I'm so tired right now I have a bit of a headache. Time for some water + Advil. Waiting on a download to complete, and then I shall be off to bed.

Loving the new car!  I'm still getting used to the feel of her. Whoa, that sounds a bit dirty. *ahem*

Tonight the new car managed to fit:

1 me
1 pair of crutches
1 sweetie that is 6'2" tall
1 sort of nephew, rather short, but also only 10, so that's to be expected
1 ginormous freaking hockey bag, bigger than sort of nephew
2 hockey sticks

Ah, yeah. Hanging out with the younger dudes tonight. Righteous. I was almost totally passed out on the couch. Until the 85 pound cat pounced on me. My legs started to fall asleep.

So then we got home & I cleaned up cat pee (little jerk) & then attacked the bathtub/shower. It was sketching me out. So, yeah. Fumes in the bathroom. Huh. Maybe that's why I have a headache.

Righty-o. I'm off to bed since I'm babbling & incoherent. And on the internets. NEVER A GOOD COMBINATION.

I was just thinking that now after the shock of the mister's accident, life has resumed its little pattern. It's a new normal, but we are adjusting. I finally had my breakdown cryfest on February 20th and it drained me completely. I haven't been able to do much online lately. Not enough energy.

All if this trauma/upset/nerves has felt oh so familiar. I couldn't figure out why I've felt like I've slipped back in time. But then, I remember I feel like I'm back to high school, when there was an serious 'thing' every single damn year I had to deal with. As if high school isn't traumatic enough. By the time I got to university, I am quite sure I had a nice case of PTSD. I kept waiting/expecting for the next big thing to happen. Although in 1991, I didn't really know that PTSD was a thing. I just felt hypervigliant, closed down, isolated, and sleepy. If I'm overtaxed emotionally, I tend to sleep a lot. This is not good since it can make me feel depressed & even more isolated.  The grind of working a full day, rushing home, making dinner, eating dinner, washing dishes, feeding the cat and then passing out by 8 pm is not a good thing. I need to carve out time for myself. Just to breathe. I think I have to come up with dinners that can be mostly prepared ahead of time or are super fast to throw together.

Luckily I'm not a kid anymore. I have learned techniques to deal with emotional & physical drain. It's just making the time to put them into practice. I guess all that crap was useful, in its way. I know how to do laundry, cook, clean, get groceries, and all the stupid little things that a person has to do to keep things going. Although, for one person, it is completely exhausting.It's hard to see the mister feeling all lost & helpless & as he puts it 'useless.' I'm a bit concerned he's going to get depressed, if he isn't already a little. Of course, he's coming off the stupid Oxycontin, so I think a lot of the emotional turmoil going on is partly detox. I am doing okay. Some days I am not, and that is also okay.

IT'S ALL HAPPENING.

/vague post is vague

I'm learning that I need take it easy on myself right now. I am easily overwhelmed. I almost lost it at work a couple of times today; over nothing really at all. At lunch time I got a little hyper & basically yelled out that I didn't want to keep talking about buying a new car, etc. One lady was peppering me with questions, but not actually waiting in between questions for me to respond. It was just too much & I almost freaked out. Yet, other people can ask me whatever they want & it doesn't bother me at all. I think it's the rapid-fire barrage of questions that stresses me out. She seems to think that it will be no problem to just get another car. I hope so, but our credit is not perfect, so, we'll see.

My stomach has been doing the rolling lurch thing from the anxiety. If this lady keeps doing the question barrage at me, I'm going to have to speak up. I know this. Everything just feels really huge right now, when she asked me what my book was about, I just said I didn't know. Mostly because I didn't want to talk anymore. She also tries to finish my sentences sometimes by guessing what I'm going to say. That is another irksome thing. Anxiety is amplifying everything that annoys me lately.

We've heard back from the adjuster. Book value on our car was $2000, but we're getting $2260. That's not bad for an 11 year old car. At least it's a downpayment for another one. The mister has to go to the insurance company to sign for the cheque as it will be in his name. Awesome. I'm hoping it will be ready on Friday. Fingers crossed. I want to get off this anxiety roller coaster. Also, I want to have an unbroken night of sleep too. One thing at a time.

i feel like i just had the metaphoric rug pulled out from under my feet. i've been crying for the past 40 odd minutes. thanks. i really needed that.

it's been one of those kinds of days. that needs to be salted & burned.

I've finally had a shower today. I feel much better for it! The mister is doing well, the drugs are helping with the pain, but only if he is not moving around. I should have set an alarm this morning & woken him up to give him another dose, but I didn't, so the pain woke him up. It takes roughly an hour for the pills to have any effect. I have been designated as spotter while he is in the bathroom. His balance is much improved today since the morphine & epidural he was given for the surgery have worn off. Apparently he was awake for most of the surgery, until he passed out. He opted for the epidural so he could be released the same day. Otherwise, the hospital would have kept him overnight. The mister was not happy that he couldn't feel anything below his waist. He said that he was poking himself in the butt & that it was so weird that he could feel his finger touching something, but not the corresponding response from his body as to where he was touching. The upshot is that Mike will be off his leg for 6 weeks, then require a further 6 weeks of therapy. That will put us into May ... which seems so far away.

Yesterday felt like the longest day ever. I tried having a nap on the couch when I found out the mister was coming home that afternoon, but as soon as I fell asleep I jolted awake again. Every noise in the parking lot set me off. I couldn't just relax, I had the worst headache & I was getting so phoned out my voice was hoarse. I was on the phone almost as much as I am at work! I kept my wits about me & took notes/wrote down everything I needed to while talking to the various people. When I went to the towing place to get Mike's stuff out of the car, that was hard. The hood & front end looked like an accordion. Getting the front license plate off was easy, since it was tossed inside the car as it was still attached to part of the bumper. Luckily, we had a screwdriver & got the back license plate off no problem.

Picking up the rental car was fun. Since I don't have a credit card, I had to put down $150 security deposit. I'll send that receipt to the insurance company. I'm sure I'll have a nice pile of crap for them soon enough. I was a little bewildered that they didn't have the car ready for me to go, I had to wait while they washed it. Bizarre. Also, I haven't really driven in a long time. The mister & I are almost always together, so he always drives. I had to get turned around to head back to the apartment, at rush hour, at one of the busy intersections ever. The rental car place has a weird entrance that you can only turn right out of. Not that turning left is really an option there. I was already past maximum safe stress limits. It didn't help that I felt so exhausted & burned out. I had a crying episode in the shower yesterday morning. That was due to feeling completely & utterly alone. The mister is my best friend, so I talk to him about everything. Not being able to turn to him & knowing he was hurt set me off. I appreciate all the good wishes & hugs & stuff everyone has sent my way. It helped me immensely! I love you all. I have a hard time asking for help, and the past two days have been eye opening for me. 

The mister woke me up at 3:30 am with a crazy coughing fit. Instead of drinking a glass of water, he chugs down Pepsi instead. Starts more coughing. Then he has the nerve to fall asleep before I do! WTF. Hence, I am very sleepy. I honestly think if I went back to bed, I'd wake up around 2:00 pm. This sleepiness may be hilarious for bystanders. Also, especially hilarious is the pre-full moon nuttiness is already in full swing judging from the types of calls I was fielding yesterday. I was feeling so frustrated yesterday, but I survived after just breathing through it. Today I feel that all of my patience is already used up. I may have to smite people. 

As I got in the door from grocery shopping, I noticed my tummy felt really upset. More like I was on a roller coaster going down & my tummy was going up. Not a good feeling at all. I was having a hard time getting my coat & boots off. I had the mister get me a granola bar & I ate it, even though I really didn't want to eat. I still didn't feel that well. I was getting sweaty & my hands were shaking. I went and laid on my bed for a few minutes & still felt gross. I had to put a tee on since I was just so hot & sweaty. The mister made sandwiches so I got up & ate it & then another granola bar. It took about an hour to feel normal. That was frightening because it happened so fast.

Whew.

Do I ever need some time to recharge. I'm going through the motions, like a machine. Breathing freely only when it's the weekend. This is not healthy. It's not making me feel very good; physically or emotionally. I booked time off in March. I think I'm already counting down the days. The mister isn't taking the week off with me. I kind of need this time for myself, and he doesn't have as many weeks left to take as I do.

I need: 

to drink a huge mug of tea
to put on comfy lounging-about clothes
to be read for as long as I want
to make & eat delicious food
to have a seriously good cry that leaves me exhausted
to get a good night's sleep
to laugh so hard my ribs hurt
to let things go that need to be let go

I just had the best talk with the mister about stuff I've been afraid to talk to him about. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Boys are so sensitive. But it was time, and lo, it was good & he heard me & was not upset!

My mind. It is blown.