slowlyunfolding: (metallicar)

from [ profile] tiptoe39 ...
Welcome, everyone, to the third official WAFFathon, making the Internet a little happier. The premise behind the WAFFathon is simple: Fandom is great, but let's face it, it can get pretty dark around here at times. Not to mention that it rains absolute CRAP on the characters we most love. So to make their not-quite-canon lives a little better, and to increase the per-capita volume of Warm and Fuzzy Feelings (WAFF for short) on these here intertubes, the WAFFathon has arrived!

night time

Mar. 4th, 2011 11:50 pm
slowlyunfolding: (moon)
I managed one good night's sleep this past week. Not so much last night. I'm so tired right now I have a bit of a headache. Time for some water + Advil. Waiting on a download to complete, and then I shall be off to bed.

Loving the new car!  I'm still getting used to the feel of her. Whoa, that sounds a bit dirty. *ahem*

Tonight the new car managed to fit:

1 me
1 pair of crutches
1 sweetie that is 6'2" tall
1 sort of nephew, rather short, but also only 10, so that's to be expected
1 ginormous freaking hockey bag, bigger than sort of nephew
2 hockey sticks

Ah, yeah. Hanging out with the younger dudes tonight. Righteous. I was almost totally passed out on the couch. Until the 85 pound cat pounced on me. My legs started to fall asleep.

So then we got home & I cleaned up cat pee (little jerk) & then attacked the bathtub/shower. It was sketching me out. So, yeah. Fumes in the bathroom. Huh. Maybe that's why I have a headache.

Righty-o. I'm off to bed since I'm babbling & incoherent. And on the internets. NEVER A GOOD COMBINATION.


Mar. 2nd, 2011 06:55 pm
slowlyunfolding: (metallicar)
I pick up my new car tomorrow night!! I bought a Mazda 2. I am so excited about this I can't even explain. I've never bought a brand new car before, I've only had used cars. I've been keeping kind of quiet on the subject to avoid jinxing myself. I am rather superstitious. That's what the 'it's all happening' post that was super vague was all about.

I have a couple of pages from the art journal to scan & upload from the past few days. It's very illuminating to capture a mood and/or moment, then go back & revisit those pages once that mood/moment has moved on.

Also, I'm thinking of names for the new car. I dearly love 'Clementine' but I'll have to drive her around a bit to know for sure. Please leave names in the comments if you like! 


Mar. 1st, 2011 07:41 pm
slowlyunfolding: (she aches & breaks)
I was just thinking that now after the shock of the mister's accident, life has resumed its little pattern. It's a new normal, but we are adjusting. I finally had my breakdown cryfest on February 20th and it drained me completely. I haven't been able to do much online lately. Not enough energy.

All if this trauma/upset/nerves has felt oh so familiar. I couldn't figure out why I've felt like I've slipped back in time. But then, I remember I feel like I'm back to high school, when there was an serious 'thing' every single damn year I had to deal with. As if high school isn't traumatic enough. By the time I got to university, I am quite sure I had a nice case of PTSD. I kept waiting/expecting for the next big thing to happen. Although in 1991, I didn't really know that PTSD was a thing. I just felt hypervigliant, closed down, isolated, and sleepy. If I'm overtaxed emotionally, I tend to sleep a lot. This is not good since it can make me feel depressed & even more isolated.  The grind of working a full day, rushing home, making dinner, eating dinner, washing dishes, feeding the cat and then passing out by 8 pm is not a good thing. I need to carve out time for myself. Just to breathe. I think I have to come up with dinners that can be mostly prepared ahead of time or are super fast to throw together.

Luckily I'm not a kid anymore. I have learned techniques to deal with emotional & physical drain. It's just making the time to put them into practice. I guess all that crap was useful, in its way. I know how to do laundry, cook, clean, get groceries, and all the stupid little things that a person has to do to keep things going. Although, for one person, it is completely exhausting.It's hard to see the mister feeling all lost & helpless & as he puts it 'useless.' I'm a bit concerned he's going to get depressed, if he isn't already a little. Of course, he's coming off the stupid Oxycontin, so I think a lot of the emotional turmoil going on is partly detox. I am doing okay. Some days I am not, and that is also okay.

a new day

Feb. 28th, 2011 07:49 am
slowlyunfolding: (Default)

I took this photo earlier in winter & forgot about it. It was that time of year when the light feels blue even during the middle of the day. I somehow managed to avoid capturing the ugly apartment buildings around here, which is kind of amazing.

I've learned that there is beauty & hope & love surrounding me. I just have to look for it. It's there.

Feb. 26th, 2011 05:47 pm
slowlyunfolding: (metallicar)

/vague post is vague


Feb. 24th, 2011 06:40 pm
slowlyunfolding: (secret world (neil gaiman))
I'm still on the anxiety express. I'm just freaking myself out. I know this. I just need to get another car & things will be okay. I can do this. The cat is being a total shithead & trying to bite things, especially anything plastic. Go bite your dinner you little furface. At least today I did not feel like I was going to have a meltdown. I consider that a success. The past few days have been pretty harsh. Possibly due to not being able to get an uninterrupted night of sleep. Sigh.


Feb. 23rd, 2011 08:04 pm
slowlyunfolding: (library hush)
I'm learning that I need take it easy on myself right now. I am easily overwhelmed. I almost lost it at work a couple of times today; over nothing really at all. At lunch time I got a little hyper & basically yelled out that I didn't want to keep talking about buying a new car, etc. One lady was peppering me with questions, but not actually waiting in between questions for me to respond. It was just too much & I almost freaked out. Yet, other people can ask me whatever they want & it doesn't bother me at all. I think it's the rapid-fire barrage of questions that stresses me out. She seems to think that it will be no problem to just get another car. I hope so, but our credit is not perfect, so, we'll see.

My stomach has been doing the rolling lurch thing from the anxiety. If this lady keeps doing the question barrage at me, I'm going to have to speak up. I know this. Everything just feels really huge right now, when she asked me what my book was about, I just said I didn't know. Mostly because I didn't want to talk anymore. She also tries to finish my sentences sometimes by guessing what I'm going to say. That is another irksome thing. Anxiety is amplifying everything that annoys me lately.

We've heard back from the adjuster. Book value on our car was $2000, but we're getting $2260. That's not bad for an 11 year old car. At least it's a downpayment for another one. The mister has to go to the insurance company to sign for the cheque as it will be in his name. Awesome. I'm hoping it will be ready on Friday. Fingers crossed. I want to get off this anxiety roller coaster. Also, I want to have an unbroken night of sleep too. One thing at a time.


Feb. 22nd, 2011 07:51 pm
slowlyunfolding: (Default)
I went back to work today since the mister is able to crutch around the apartment quite well. I was totally flustered & overwhelmed because it was so busy. I didn't look at my email for a few minutes & when I got to it, the new stuff that had come in was mind boggling. It stressed me out, but I got through it. Then, I had to pee at the end of the day, which then made me have to actually run for the bus. Luckily the law clerk that lives in my 'hood was waiting for the bus & she hesitated getting on until I got there. She was waving me on to hurry, it was hilarious. Man that would have sucked to have to wait for the next one.

Dinner made, eaten, about to clean up. I HATE the clean up part.

Mike's work sent him a huge gift basket & cookies.

The note his coworkers enclosed said, "We were going to get a fruit basket and then we remembered you don't eat much fruit, so we thought we would personalize it for you and put something together that we know you like to eat."

The cookies are from Carol, the receptionist/second mother figure. When I started dating Mike, I had to meet her just like she was a parent. NERVE WRACKING!

It's FULL of candy & Pepsi. The mister has been bugging me to get him MOAR PEPSI, and I'm like NO! it's dehydrating & you need to hydrate! Now it's about getting MOAR CIGARETTES. I'm I'm like NO! I bought you some on Sunday! They should last you for a week! (Really, I'm thinking like forever, since I'm allergic to cigarette smoke.)

And now, allons y to the kitchen to wash all the dishes.


Feb. 21st, 2011 12:05 am
slowlyunfolding: (exposed heart (art by audrey kawasaki))
i feel like i just had the metaphoric rug pulled out from under my feet. i've been crying for the past 40 odd minutes. thanks. i really needed that.

it's been one of those kinds of days. that needs to be salted & burned.
slowlyunfolding: (library hush)
I think I'm about to start reading a ton of books. Having the tv for the past couple of days is making my brain itchy & twitchy. I feel overstimulated & wired. I have a lot of books that I haven't got to yet. Also, boys eat a lot of food even when they aren't feeling well. Gah. I am already tired of cooking & eating food that has gone cold. I get it why moms get so grumpy around dinner time now. I just washed the past couple days of dishes & my hands are all pruney. I just did not have enough spoons to get to the dishes until today. The drugs are making the mister pretty chatty. He even commented on it tonight. I think he's going to go a bit nutty when I go back to work next week.

Things we've learned:

1. Setting an alarm to adminster more drugs in the middle of the night is preferable to the pain waking up the mister. We got up at 3:30 am this morning. Didn't get back to bed until around 5:30 am. I definitely can't be pulling those kinds of hours & try to work full time. I had to crash again after making the mister breakfast & didn't get up until around 2 or 2:30 pm.

2. Sponge baths are hard & awkward.

3. Neither of us are keeping track of time very well. I think a routine is in order.

4. I am going to have to be organized when it comes to meals. I'm going to have to make two lunches every day - one for me to take to work & one for the mister.

5. I need to learn self-care techniques so I don't burn out. Perfect time to turn back to my yoga practice which was the plan anyway. I guess I won't be going to classes since money will be tight, but I have the knowledge. Time to get back to it.
slowlyunfolding: (exposed heart (art by audrey kawasaki))
I've finally had a shower today. I feel much better for it! The mister is doing well, the drugs are helping with the pain, but only if he is not moving around. I should have set an alarm this morning & woken him up to give him another dose, but I didn't, so the pain woke him up. It takes roughly an hour for the pills to have any effect. I have been designated as spotter while he is in the bathroom. His balance is much improved today since the morphine & epidural he was given for the surgery have worn off. Apparently he was awake for most of the surgery, until he passed out. He opted for the epidural so he could be released the same day. Otherwise, the hospital would have kept him overnight. The mister was not happy that he couldn't feel anything below his waist. He said that he was poking himself in the butt & that it was so weird that he could feel his finger touching something, but not the corresponding response from his body as to where he was touching. The upshot is that Mike will be off his leg for 6 weeks, then require a further 6 weeks of therapy. That will put us into May ... which seems so far away.

Yesterday felt like the longest day ever. I tried having a nap on the couch when I found out the mister was coming home that afternoon, but as soon as I fell asleep I jolted awake again. Every noise in the parking lot set me off. I couldn't just relax, I had the worst headache & I was getting so phoned out my voice was hoarse. I was on the phone almost as much as I am at work! I kept my wits about me & took notes/wrote down everything I needed to while talking to the various people. When I went to the towing place to get Mike's stuff out of the car, that was hard. The hood & front end looked like an accordion. Getting the front license plate off was easy, since it was tossed inside the car as it was still attached to part of the bumper. Luckily, we had a screwdriver & got the back license plate off no problem.

Picking up the rental car was fun. Since I don't have a credit card, I had to put down $150 security deposit. I'll send that receipt to the insurance company. I'm sure I'll have a nice pile of crap for them soon enough. I was a little bewildered that they didn't have the car ready for me to go, I had to wait while they washed it. Bizarre. Also, I haven't really driven in a long time. The mister & I are almost always together, so he always drives. I had to get turned around to head back to the apartment, at rush hour, at one of the busy intersections ever. The rental car place has a weird entrance that you can only turn right out of. Not that turning left is really an option there. I was already past maximum safe stress limits. It didn't help that I felt so exhausted & burned out. I had a crying episode in the shower yesterday morning. That was due to feeling completely & utterly alone. The mister is my best friend, so I talk to him about everything. Not being able to turn to him & knowing he was hurt set me off. I appreciate all the good wishes & hugs & stuff everyone has sent my way. It helped me immensely! I love you all. I have a hard time asking for help, and the past two days have been eye opening for me. 
slowlyunfolding: (exposed heart (art by audrey kawasaki))
I think I was spazzy on Twitter last night. I couldn't reach anyone local. The upshot is that the mister has been in a car accident. He was slowing down for a red light, but before he got to the intersection & fully stopped, the light turned green. Some guy came barrelling out of a parking lot, trying to beat his light. That guy ended up running a red & wham. Head on collision. This other guy is getting charged. I haven't really looked at the accident report, but the cop was talking to Mike & luckily there is a witness who saw the whole thing. Both accounts of what happened by the mister & the witness were identical. Our car is totaled. Awesome.

I don't know if the other guy was injured, but the mister had a gash on his forehead that needed stitches. The gash went down to the bone apparently. That was the only thing that grossed me out. His right kneecap is broken, so he's going into surgery today. I have no idea what time of course, it just depends on when the orthopedic surgeon is available. It's only one break, so the kneecap is in 2 pieces. It sounds like the mister is going to be part bionic with screws or metal whatnots in there. He never lost consciousness & was cracking jokes while we were in the hallway waiting for a room. The nurse that was updating his records was asking me if he had extra coverage for a semi or private room. Um, really lady? I have no idea. It's not exactly something that is forefront in my mind. The doctor seems to think that the mister will be up & around in a few days.

I got home around 2 am, & didn't get to bed until 3 am because I needed to eat something & calm down. That made it a 21 hour day for me. I'm still exhausted & about to head back to bed.
slowlyunfolding: (tea!)
The mister woke me up at 3:30 am with a crazy coughing fit. Instead of drinking a glass of water, he chugs down Pepsi instead. Starts more coughing. Then he has the nerve to fall asleep before I do! WTF. Hence, I am very sleepy. I honestly think if I went back to bed, I'd wake up around 2:00 pm. This sleepiness may be hilarious for bystanders. Also, especially hilarious is the pre-full moon nuttiness is already in full swing judging from the types of calls I was fielding yesterday. I was feeling so frustrated yesterday, but I survived after just breathing through it. Today I feel that all of my patience is already used up. I may have to smite people. 
slowlyunfolding: (love illuminates)
Going through my old journals over the weekend was eye opening. It`s amazing to see parts of yourself that you've forgotten, or that time has gently glossed over. I feel like I'm in a much better place emotionally. At the very least I'm climbing out of the funk & gloom I've been in lately.

Specifically, this all relates to my relationship (or lack thereof) with my mom. I'd been under the impression that it was living with her & dad again & the stress of helping take care of dad that contributed to the friction in our relationship. It was not so. In fact, the friction started to amp up when I first began dating the mister, but it was prevalent as soon as I came back from university. I just don't understand how mom thought she could put rules on me at 25 that didn't exist when I was 16. I'd moved out at 19, lived with roommates, then on my own for a couple of years. It was (and always will be) behaviour I will never understand.
slowlyunfolding: (tea!)
As I got in the door from grocery shopping, I noticed my tummy felt really upset. More like I was on a roller coaster going down & my tummy was going up. Not a good feeling at all. I was having a hard time getting my coat & boots off. I had the mister get me a granola bar & I ate it, even though I really didn't want to eat. I still didn't feel that well. I was getting sweaty & my hands were shaking. I went and laid on my bed for a few minutes & still felt gross. I had to put a tee on since I was just so hot & sweaty. The mister made sandwiches so I got up & ate it & then another granola bar. It took about an hour to feel normal. That was frightening because it happened so fast.

slowlyunfolding: (secret world (neil gaiman))
I have a stack of my old paper journals sitting beside me. I'm finding it hilarious & sad & OMG &cringeworthy going through some of the entries.

1983 )

1988 )

1992 )

1998 )

2002 )

2006 )
slowlyunfolding: (floating heart)
Do I ever need some time to recharge. I'm going through the motions, like a machine. Breathing freely only when it's the weekend. This is not healthy. It's not making me feel very good; physically or emotionally. I booked time off in March. I think I'm already counting down the days. The mister isn't taking the week off with me. I kind of need this time for myself, and he doesn't have as many weeks left to take as I do.

I need: 

to drink a huge mug of tea
to put on comfy lounging-about clothes
to be read for as long as I want
to make & eat delicious food
to have a seriously good cry that leaves me exhausted
to get a good night's sleep
to laugh so hard my ribs hurt
to let things go that need to be let go


Feb. 10th, 2011 05:31 pm
slowlyunfolding: (calvin & hobbes dancing)

Had reviews today at work. It was confirmed that I am excellent. Obviously, y'all knew that already so not much surprise there. Got a raise too which is also sweet.

I had to have a celebratory brownie & get sugared up on a chai latte! Yay sugar.

Yay good news!

Posted via


Feb. 9th, 2011 09:53 pm
slowlyunfolding: (floating heart)
I just had the best talk with the mister about stuff I've been afraid to talk to him about. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Boys are so sensitive. But it was time, and lo, it was good & he heard me & was not upset!

My mind. It is blown.


slowlyunfolding: (Default)

January 2015



RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags