back in the day.
Feb. 13th, 2011 10:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
slowlyunfoldingI have a stack of my old paper journals sitting beside me. I'm finding it hilarious & sad & OMG &cringeworthy going through some of the entries.
Thursday, March 24, 1983 (almost exactly one month before my 11th birthday - April 23rd)
I am BORED! It snowed and its crummy out. It is 3:51 pm right now.
Monday, March 14, 1988 (written at age 15, so close to 16 it kind of hurt)
Today March break officially started. Me & L 'bribed' Mr. Orr with 8 Aero chocolate bars. After all that, he only gave me 55 out of 80 and L something like 52 or 53! What a poopy mark! I thought I played a LOT better than that and I thought L did too. [This was Music class = I played violin] ... He was marking really hard. I thought it was a piece of cake too. But I guess he didn't think so. I really screwed the math exam right up. After I came home, got lunch, I took a LONG nap. 3.5 hours. After I woke up I realized that I did know how to do one question. I'll only get part marks for it. It said something like graph line 3x-2y-1=0 or something. Maybe it was y=mxtb form, I forget, and then the other line we could only use the x and y intercepts. I absolutely forget how to do it, it was if x=0, then y=? if y=0 then x=? Damn. I hope I answered enough questions to pass. I don't think the 1st question would make or break the entire exam! I just know I made a REALLY big mistake that was so stupid I couldn't believe it. Mom says I have an inferiority complex about math. Maybe she's right. Well I gotta go. I wonder what I got on the other exams????
Friday, August 28, 1992 11:42 am (age 20)
I'm more awake now. It is raining out right now and I'm totally positive that K is NOT going to have a bonfire. I'm supposed to be going to B's house this afternoon for S's birthday. She's 15! Holy. I remember when I was 15. It sucked. Oh well. I need to have a shower. I'll probably get back to this AFTER the weekend ... busy-ness you know how it is.
April 21, 1998 (this entry was written 2 days before my 26th birthday)
Mom just insulted me right down to the marrow of my bones. A lady walked by and said, 'Oh, busy working?" as I carried the bird bath out front. Then she asked if I lived with my parents or grandparents... etc etc. When we came inside mom wanted to know exactly what was said. Mom said, "Oh, she probably thought we lived here with you." I said jokingly, "Oh yeah! I don't think so!! I'd have you guys in, say, the carriage house", pretending I'd have some huge estate ... but before I get any farther mom said, "Oh well, don't think I like having you here." Or something like that. I couldn't say anything to that except, "Hey! I was only joking!" I think she knew that she went too far and said some other stuff ... attempting to ease the tension she created. Didn't really work. Very nice, though. Making me feel so uncomfortable. Dad would never dream of saying anything like that.
As I am sitting here, I realized that everything in this room would leave with me. Bed, bookcase, tv stand, dresser, side tables, curtains. Then to what purpose would my room be put? For I can't see it staying a spare bedroom. Probably it will turn into a sewing room/craft centre. I really don't care! Honestly. I'm chafing to get back out on my own. I fully intended to be out this spring ... but the way things turned out that wasn't to be. Whew. What is standing in my way? Myself. I have to be hungry to get what I need for myself. :)
Sunday, April 7, 2002 (age 29, almost 30)
I think it's supposed to be 9:04 pm. The clocks went ahead last nite, so I'm completely confused. The clock may say it's 9:04 pm, but my body disagrees whole-heartedly.
I've come to some serious realizations today. I'm finally seeing my mom as who & what she really is ... which is not a very pleasant view. Not very good for the soul either. All my life I've been see-sawing back & forth between feelings of confusion & security. Now I think I understand why. It was mom that kept throwing me off kilter. For whatever reason that I cannot fathom, she simply cannot or will not express sympathy, or kindness toward anyone. She expects to be regarded as ... a saint, a hard worker, a woman of determination and verve ...
I've lately come to wonder if she has ever shown me love, without conditions, without guilt. The answer I dread is a simple & quiet, "no."
I wonder why she is so disdainful of others, especially me. Why she talks down to me like I'm a complete moron who can't construct a complex sentence or who can't juggle the cleaning with washing the dog or putting away laundry.
I suppose I couldn't see it before ... the constant criticism, nit picking or bullying. Whatever phrase seems to fit the "attention" I received as a child.
I briefly saw Maya Angelou on television discussing the crucial role parents have in instilling self esteem & self respect in their children. She said that children are extremely intuitive; if they walk into a room & their parents immediately jump on them with criticism -- fix your hair, pull up your socks ... or more importantly, if the parents' faces don't light up at the sight of their kids walking through the door -- the kids 'get' the underlying message -- I'm not 'good' enough for them. It's that sense of acceptance of the child, no matter how dirty, or disheveled or whatever their appearance may be -- it's the look in the parents' eyes ... If the parent isn't happy to see the child; looks annoyed or irritated that the child has indeed walked through the door, that message resounds deep within the child.
After mom had her leg operated on AGAIN to have some of the metal bolts removed, she was very much in need of me & dad to help her. She was very nice and kind to us. Then, as soon as she started feeling better, she turned. Started being an impossible bitch. I confronted her about it; I was so mad. It startled her but only for a split second. I dont think she ever expected me to challenge her. It's as though she knows when to be loving; to score points that will be played out in some future contest.
I simply don't understand her. It's as though she's disconnected herself from her emotions and scoffs at anyone who is connected to their emotions. Only weak people exhibit emotions. I shudder when I contemplate how much of my life she's managed, or attempted, to manage. ... All I know is I'm finally becoming aware that my mom is not a nice or considerate person.
Thursday, October 12, 2006 (age 34)
Today, it snowed! WTF. It's so early for flurries. It was very surreal. I was positive that the weather forecast was a bit 'over the top' ... but, no, it wasn't at all. Yesterday was so mild until late afternoon/early evening. If the temperature hadn't dropped so much, it would have just been rain again today. OMG. I hope I don't have to scrape my car off in the morning. Went to yoga tonight after missing last week. Ah, I feel so much better, more like myself. Also, at some point in the class, I notice how I'm feeling (at that moment.) Dizzy, off balance, centered, focussed, weak, distracted. Tonight I felt strong. It surprised me a little. I've come a long way since my first class in June.
Thursday, March 24, 1983 (almost exactly one month before my 11th birthday - April 23rd)
I am BORED! It snowed and its crummy out. It is 3:51 pm right now.
Monday, March 14, 1988 (written at age 15, so close to 16 it kind of hurt)
Today March break officially started. Me & L 'bribed' Mr. Orr with 8 Aero chocolate bars. After all that, he only gave me 55 out of 80 and L something like 52 or 53! What a poopy mark! I thought I played a LOT better than that and I thought L did too. [This was Music class = I played violin] ... He was marking really hard. I thought it was a piece of cake too. But I guess he didn't think so. I really screwed the math exam right up. After I came home, got lunch, I took a LONG nap. 3.5 hours. After I woke up I realized that I did know how to do one question. I'll only get part marks for it. It said something like graph line 3x-2y-1=0 or something. Maybe it was y=mxtb form, I forget, and then the other line we could only use the x and y intercepts. I absolutely forget how to do it, it was if x=0, then y=? if y=0 then x=? Damn. I hope I answered enough questions to pass. I don't think the 1st question would make or break the entire exam! I just know I made a REALLY big mistake that was so stupid I couldn't believe it. Mom says I have an inferiority complex about math. Maybe she's right. Well I gotta go. I wonder what I got on the other exams????
Friday, August 28, 1992 11:42 am (age 20)
I'm more awake now. It is raining out right now and I'm totally positive that K is NOT going to have a bonfire. I'm supposed to be going to B's house this afternoon for S's birthday. She's 15! Holy. I remember when I was 15. It sucked. Oh well. I need to have a shower. I'll probably get back to this AFTER the weekend ... busy-ness you know how it is.
April 21, 1998 (this entry was written 2 days before my 26th birthday)
Mom just insulted me right down to the marrow of my bones. A lady walked by and said, 'Oh, busy working?" as I carried the bird bath out front. Then she asked if I lived with my parents or grandparents... etc etc. When we came inside mom wanted to know exactly what was said. Mom said, "Oh, she probably thought we lived here with you." I said jokingly, "Oh yeah! I don't think so!! I'd have you guys in, say, the carriage house", pretending I'd have some huge estate ... but before I get any farther mom said, "Oh well, don't think I like having you here." Or something like that. I couldn't say anything to that except, "Hey! I was only joking!" I think she knew that she went too far and said some other stuff ... attempting to ease the tension she created. Didn't really work. Very nice, though. Making me feel so uncomfortable. Dad would never dream of saying anything like that.
As I am sitting here, I realized that everything in this room would leave with me. Bed, bookcase, tv stand, dresser, side tables, curtains. Then to what purpose would my room be put? For I can't see it staying a spare bedroom. Probably it will turn into a sewing room/craft centre. I really don't care! Honestly. I'm chafing to get back out on my own. I fully intended to be out this spring ... but the way things turned out that wasn't to be. Whew. What is standing in my way? Myself. I have to be hungry to get what I need for myself. :)
Sunday, April 7, 2002 (age 29, almost 30)
I think it's supposed to be 9:04 pm. The clocks went ahead last nite, so I'm completely confused. The clock may say it's 9:04 pm, but my body disagrees whole-heartedly.
I've come to some serious realizations today. I'm finally seeing my mom as who & what she really is ... which is not a very pleasant view. Not very good for the soul either. All my life I've been see-sawing back & forth between feelings of confusion & security. Now I think I understand why. It was mom that kept throwing me off kilter. For whatever reason that I cannot fathom, she simply cannot or will not express sympathy, or kindness toward anyone. She expects to be regarded as ... a saint, a hard worker, a woman of determination and verve ...
I've lately come to wonder if she has ever shown me love, without conditions, without guilt. The answer I dread is a simple & quiet, "no."
I wonder why she is so disdainful of others, especially me. Why she talks down to me like I'm a complete moron who can't construct a complex sentence or who can't juggle the cleaning with washing the dog or putting away laundry.
I suppose I couldn't see it before ... the constant criticism, nit picking or bullying. Whatever phrase seems to fit the "attention" I received as a child.
I briefly saw Maya Angelou on television discussing the crucial role parents have in instilling self esteem & self respect in their children. She said that children are extremely intuitive; if they walk into a room & their parents immediately jump on them with criticism -- fix your hair, pull up your socks ... or more importantly, if the parents' faces don't light up at the sight of their kids walking through the door -- the kids 'get' the underlying message -- I'm not 'good' enough for them. It's that sense of acceptance of the child, no matter how dirty, or disheveled or whatever their appearance may be -- it's the look in the parents' eyes ... If the parent isn't happy to see the child; looks annoyed or irritated that the child has indeed walked through the door, that message resounds deep within the child.
After mom had her leg operated on AGAIN to have some of the metal bolts removed, she was very much in need of me & dad to help her. She was very nice and kind to us. Then, as soon as she started feeling better, she turned. Started being an impossible bitch. I confronted her about it; I was so mad. It startled her but only for a split second. I dont think she ever expected me to challenge her. It's as though she knows when to be loving; to score points that will be played out in some future contest.
I simply don't understand her. It's as though she's disconnected herself from her emotions and scoffs at anyone who is connected to their emotions. Only weak people exhibit emotions. I shudder when I contemplate how much of my life she's managed, or attempted, to manage. ... All I know is I'm finally becoming aware that my mom is not a nice or considerate person.
Thursday, October 12, 2006 (age 34)
Today, it snowed! WTF. It's so early for flurries. It was very surreal. I was positive that the weather forecast was a bit 'over the top' ... but, no, it wasn't at all. Yesterday was so mild until late afternoon/early evening. If the temperature hadn't dropped so much, it would have just been rain again today. OMG. I hope I don't have to scrape my car off in the morning. Went to yoga tonight after missing last week. Ah, I feel so much better, more like myself. Also, at some point in the class, I notice how I'm feeling (at that moment.) Dizzy, off balance, centered, focussed, weak, distracted. Tonight I felt strong. It surprised me a little. I've come a long way since my first class in June.