i want to find my place

[slowlyunfolding]

 

Yesterday I was feeling really off. A combination of frustration, itchy feet, wanting to be something, somewhere else, and knowing, with certainty, that I would have to wait out that ebb of emotion. It wouldn't matter if I went out, I'd still feel the same. Nothing was going to make it 'go away.' I guess that's why I didn't leave the house until after 4 o'clock. I've been thinking about a lot of life stuff, and the feeling was that I've let a lot of things pass me by. Maybe I have, but that doesn't mean I can't make new decisions & steer this ship into a new sea. Overly maudling metaphor getting out of control. I shall stop.

What's the hubbub? Well. To be perfectly honest, I both know & do not know, simultaneously. I am refusing to know; exactly, precisely, the what of the matter.

It's about my biological clock ticking. It's about fear that comes from not knowing what I want. I've been revisiting the past, and pushing it away again.  I do know two things:

1. I have to deal with my relationship with mom (whether I just write a letter that is unmailed forever, that conversation needs to happen, needs to be out of my head.)
2. Stop blaming myself for the miscarriage, lo these many years ago, and the rest of the fallout that resulted. My doctor was fairly unhelpful at the time, and I think his passing it off as a blip, trying to explain to me that women's bodies do shed large clots from time to time ... I'm still pissed about that conversation. Maybe they do, but I know my body. That's not what happened for all your mansplaining. It was almost the breaking point for my relationship with Mike. We were so broken hearted, we couldn't even talk to each other. Sometimes things go badly wrong, and keep going wrong for a while until a friend comes along & yells at you that you aren't sick & to get up off that damn couch already.


So, the fact that I'm feeling pulled toward baby-land right now is scaring the fuck out of me. I feel that I have this huge decision hanging, nebulously, in the air, all around me, surrounding me. Maybe I'm finally processing & letting go. The part of me that doesn't want to let go is flailing, & grasping, & worrying the air.

Just admitting that I'm scared has taken out a lot of its power.