Oh Fair Maiden.
Jul. 8th, 2010 11:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
slowlyunfoldingStill melting. Still trying to wear as little as possible to stay cool. It is not working. I could wear nothing, and still be uncomfortable.
A few years ago, I felt ... weird ... about wearing one of those thin spaghetti strap tank tops to bed. I had the worst heat rash ever at the time, and still, I felt stuck in this cycle of covering up.
Why?
The little tank made me feel revealed. Naked. Vulnerable. Exposed. It didn't matter that I was wearing it to bed. That I wasn't strutting down the street wearing next to nothing. That same soft voice was whispering to me, 'What if there is a fire alarm & you have to flee? Wearing ... that?' I was in the privacy of my own home, and still, I felt haunted by how things should be because that's the way they always have been.
I had been conditioned into covering up, lulled into a headspace that dictated that by covering up, I was protecting something unseemly. Keeping things palatable for the male gaze. Heavens forfend if the way I dress coaxes a wolf whistle, jeer, or a driveby indecent shout. Oh, having parents that are old enough to be your grandparents was ... rocky. We just didn't speak the same language, use the same jargon. We did not understand each other.
I had my mother's voice inside my head. Whispering to me to stay under wraps, stay covered, stay uncomfortable, stay ... invisible. I got tired of hearing that voice.
After starting a yoga practice, I started realizing that there is a connection between body & mind. I realized that for a majority of my life, I had subdivided myself. It's a stunning thing to feel my way back into my body. To take up as much space for it as I need to, to reach out with questing fingers. Maybe I will prick myself on something sharp, maybe not. Perhaps instead I just grow, and grow, and grow.
Towards love, and light. Words have power. Especially these words: open heart, open mind, open body.
A few years ago, I felt ... weird ... about wearing one of those thin spaghetti strap tank tops to bed. I had the worst heat rash ever at the time, and still, I felt stuck in this cycle of covering up.
Why?
The little tank made me feel revealed. Naked. Vulnerable. Exposed. It didn't matter that I was wearing it to bed. That I wasn't strutting down the street wearing next to nothing. That same soft voice was whispering to me, 'What if there is a fire alarm & you have to flee? Wearing ... that?' I was in the privacy of my own home, and still, I felt haunted by how things should be because that's the way they always have been.
I had been conditioned into covering up, lulled into a headspace that dictated that by covering up, I was protecting something unseemly. Keeping things palatable for the male gaze. Heavens forfend if the way I dress coaxes a wolf whistle, jeer, or a driveby indecent shout. Oh, having parents that are old enough to be your grandparents was ... rocky. We just didn't speak the same language, use the same jargon. We did not understand each other.
I had my mother's voice inside my head. Whispering to me to stay under wraps, stay covered, stay uncomfortable, stay ... invisible. I got tired of hearing that voice.
After starting a yoga practice, I started realizing that there is a connection between body & mind. I realized that for a majority of my life, I had subdivided myself. It's a stunning thing to feel my way back into my body. To take up as much space for it as I need to, to reach out with questing fingers. Maybe I will prick myself on something sharp, maybe not. Perhaps instead I just grow, and grow, and grow.
Towards love, and light. Words have power. Especially these words: open heart, open mind, open body.