the country house
Aug. 1st, 2005 12:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
slowlyunfoldingI grew up in the country, betwixt cornfield, and towering maple trees. I think it was to force me to be removed from the vices the city kids had available to them. My parents wanted me to avoid the things that my much older siblings fell into. They didn't realize that I am a different person. That house was just a typical sidesplit for typical middle class people. There was a little group of houses together, and then the farms started just down the hill. The gravel pit wasn't far away, and whenever they blasted, you could feel the earth tremble slightly in the house. Not even that noticeable as a transport going by ... which happened from time to time. Unless of course you were underwater in the pool. Once the pit blasted when I was swimming ... and that was weird to feel/hear the echo of the earth move. It was a secret travelling underground.
In a lot of ways, that was the last home I ever lived in. It was the last place I was a part of my family, and the place where things started to fragment. I thought today that it would be a nice day for a visit, what with the sunlight, and warmth, and blue skies ... but only if they lived still in the country. Sitting out under the trees, with glasses of chilled lemonade, and birdsong. Just enjoying the day. Those are the people I knew, not the ones that inhabit the 'new' house that we moved into during the summer of 1991-92. The years of transition for me ... university days.
I sent my mom a birthday card in June. I have not heard back from her. So it goes.
The odd thing about not having her in my life? I feel whole again. That I can be myself, and not have to worry about what I say or do ... whether I want to get up and read until 2 am, or write on the computer until the birds start singing (which by the way, I haven't done in a long time.) Endless criticism, judgement ... it was wearing on me. Yet, I am not a project. I am not looking to be adopted by anyone who wants to shower me with pity. There are some people who don't understand that I am actually happier without parents/family. That's probably because their family is nice to them, always treated them with kindness, supported them, and showed them unconditional love. For those of us who have been pushed down by family and made to feel small, in the way, a burden ... it is a relief to find freedom, and to finally feel safe with the people that make me feel safe.
And so it goes.
In a lot of ways, that was the last home I ever lived in. It was the last place I was a part of my family, and the place where things started to fragment. I thought today that it would be a nice day for a visit, what with the sunlight, and warmth, and blue skies ... but only if they lived still in the country. Sitting out under the trees, with glasses of chilled lemonade, and birdsong. Just enjoying the day. Those are the people I knew, not the ones that inhabit the 'new' house that we moved into during the summer of 1991-92. The years of transition for me ... university days.
I sent my mom a birthday card in June. I have not heard back from her. So it goes.
The odd thing about not having her in my life? I feel whole again. That I can be myself, and not have to worry about what I say or do ... whether I want to get up and read until 2 am, or write on the computer until the birds start singing (which by the way, I haven't done in a long time.) Endless criticism, judgement ... it was wearing on me. Yet, I am not a project. I am not looking to be adopted by anyone who wants to shower me with pity. There are some people who don't understand that I am actually happier without parents/family. That's probably because their family is nice to them, always treated them with kindness, supported them, and showed them unconditional love. For those of us who have been pushed down by family and made to feel small, in the way, a burden ... it is a relief to find freedom, and to finally feel safe with the people that make me feel safe.
And so it goes.