slowlyunfolding: (she aches & breaks)
2011-03-01 07:41 pm


I was just thinking that now after the shock of the mister's accident, life has resumed its little pattern. It's a new normal, but we are adjusting. I finally had my breakdown cryfest on February 20th and it drained me completely. I haven't been able to do much online lately. Not enough energy.

All if this trauma/upset/nerves has felt oh so familiar. I couldn't figure out why I've felt like I've slipped back in time. But then, I remember I feel like I'm back to high school, when there was an serious 'thing' every single damn year I had to deal with. As if high school isn't traumatic enough. By the time I got to university, I am quite sure I had a nice case of PTSD. I kept waiting/expecting for the next big thing to happen. Although in 1991, I didn't really know that PTSD was a thing. I just felt hypervigliant, closed down, isolated, and sleepy. If I'm overtaxed emotionally, I tend to sleep a lot. This is not good since it can make me feel depressed & even more isolated.  The grind of working a full day, rushing home, making dinner, eating dinner, washing dishes, feeding the cat and then passing out by 8 pm is not a good thing. I need to carve out time for myself. Just to breathe. I think I have to come up with dinners that can be mostly prepared ahead of time or are super fast to throw together.

Luckily I'm not a kid anymore. I have learned techniques to deal with emotional & physical drain. It's just making the time to put them into practice. I guess all that crap was useful, in its way. I know how to do laundry, cook, clean, get groceries, and all the stupid little things that a person has to do to keep things going. Although, for one person, it is completely exhausting.It's hard to see the mister feeling all lost & helpless & as he puts it 'useless.' I'm a bit concerned he's going to get depressed, if he isn't already a little. Of course, he's coming off the stupid Oxycontin, so I think a lot of the emotional turmoil going on is partly detox. I am doing okay. Some days I am not, and that is also okay.